On Writing

I am one of the last people in the world to qualify as shy. I will go up to anyone and strike up a conversation, sometimes meaningful, other times just chatting. I have had more than one row with my European traveling buddy about how 'Europe is different' and 'You shouldn't talk to random strangers, they might try to eat your soul', etc. She even gets angry at my lack of 'city face', that blank, neutral expression people (in her opinion) are supposed to don whenever they step into the world at large that will protect you from the scaries. Excuse me for living, but I like to smile at other people, regardless of whether or not I know them. I don't assault anyone on the street with unnecessary conversation, but I just like to be who I am and who I am is a friendly, open individual. I think my face should express that. Besides, her neutral face didn't prevent her from getting clocked by a local in the nose as he was hailing a taxi in Paris, and neglected to find my short friend at his side before he thrust his arm into the sky. (As soon as I realized she was ok, I promptly dissolved into laughter, which I'm sure was even less acceptable, but it was pretty funny.) All of this is to say, I'm not exactly a wallflower.

Imagine my surprise, then, when I came to the conclusion about 10 years ago that I am incredibly shy about my writing. I couldn't even let my mother, a teacher, proofread my book reports for school. Thank God I was blessed with a big enough brain to absorb all of the writing instruction I was given, because otherwise, I would have been screwed. It wasn't until college that I could even proofread my own writings, for fear of thinking the whole thing was stupid and chucking it out the window to start over. I'm talking specifically about scholarly or fictional writings, now. I will dash off a letter to the editor at the drop of a hat--in fact, my hometown paper, which I still read daily, seems to either love my writing or else thinks it's cool they can print something from a reader outside of the state, because they have printed everything I have written to them over the past 5 years. But anything beyond that stays trapped on the various pages it was written on, usually only perused once a year, when I'm reorganizing.

This shyness is something that I have decided I really need to overcome. As I mentioned in my first post, I really feel an ache in my body when I think of something to write about that doesn't go away until it's been committed to paper. I've got a huge pile of journals scattered about my house that contain everything from anxiety-driven musings to lists of who I'm going to invite to my presidential inauguration (seriously, although that was written when I was 16 and thought I could be the female Thomas Jefferson). Writing to me has always been about opening the faucet that my brain is attached to and just letting whatever is in there flow out. It's not a catharsis every time, but there is a quality of that to my writing. One of the comments I get consistently on my writings, when I do let a select club read them, is that I write exactly like I talk. That, to me, is a huge complement, because I'm very proud of my oral communication skills. Besides, my favorite writers have always been able to connect me with their characters and stories, mostly because they sound like some of my friends. It's part of why I started this blog as well. I have let a few people know about this and whether or not they actually read everything, the possibility exists that someone will read it and comment on it.

I think the shyness exists for a few reasons. I loathe plagiarism, and am afraid that something I write will end up reading just like someone else that I have read and unconsciously incorporated into what I write. I think my shyness also comes from too much time spent in a Top Ten University. My education was wonderful, but it has impressed upon me that glaring difference between Scholarly Writing and Beach Reads. I guess part of me feels like if it's not the great American novel, it's a waste of recycled paper. I have read some lame stuff in my day and don't want to accidentally end up in the same place. Having a few friends in the business, I understand that publishing like everything else these days--it's got to make money. JK Rowling has written a lovely story with some incredible characters that sells like hotcakes, but it's not exactly The Catcher in the Rye she's produced. If I'm going to write for the world at large, I want it to touch people in a real sense. I, like everyone else, felt like I had been slapped when Dumbledor bit it in the most recent book, but there's nothing real about what's going on there. I want my writing to have the grain of truth in it, something human that people can connect to and apply in their own lives.

This might be a bit much to expect, I know. Part of my self-induced twelve step program to get over these hangups is admitting that all I can do is write as best I know how. I also know that, published or not, I need to only do the writing for myself. If others are willing to pay for it, that's awesome, but ultimately, everything I produce is only for me. When I do stop dithering and actually get to work on something that I will try to get published, it will be with characters I like and a story that I like. Hopefully, what I like will be what everyone else likes too, but it's not the end of the world if they don't. Writing is a part of who I am. The older I get, the less I can deny it.